Persiste la violencia doméstica contra la mujer latina A pesar de los múltiples esfuerzos
por parte de diversos
sectores de la sociedad, la violencia
doméstica contra las
mujeres latinas no se ha podido
erradicar, consideró Ana Nogales,
psicóloga y fundadora de la
Asociación “Casa de la Familia”.
Silvia: I've heard people say that one cannot love others unless you love yourself. Is this true?
Dr. Nogales: Absolutely! It's important to realize that we don't always know how to love ourselves. Loving ourselves implies self-care, self-respect and taking responsibility for how we conduct ourselves in our relationships. To act in this way we need to get to know and accept who we are. Until we know how to love ourselves, we lack the essential model for what it means to love, and therefore loving another isn't possible. What often makes loving ourselves a difficult process is that we've been taught to focus on our weaknesses in a negative way. Others may have criticized us and pointed out our defects without emphasizing our virtues. Perhaps this was done in order to help us correct our faults or to prevent our being "spoiled" as children.
Unfortunately, such experiences teach us to criticize ourselves in a negative way, which then becomes a difficult habit to change.
Silvia: Can this way of perceiving oneself be corrected?
Dr. Nogales: Yes-if we become aware of how this process has affected us and then reflect on who we really are and what our values truly are. In order to make this adjustment to our self-image, we can remember instances from our childhood or adolescence, special moments when we felt deeply loved, maybe by our parents, siblings, someone else in the family, a friend, or teacher. We can save in our hearts these instances of having received love-and then recall those moments when we need to feel that love again. By using those past experiences as models, we can learn to give ourselves that same quality of affection. Every human being deserves to be loved, because we are all part of the Divine that exalts us. Love is a part of every human being and is necessary to develop a positive mental health.
Silvia: Many people find it difficult to use words of love. What can you recommend to them?
Dr. Nogales:For some people, simply saying "I love you" is ridiculous because, according to them, love is expressed through acts, not words. It is true that loving words are hollow when they are not accompanied by loving behavior. Still, some individuals have difficulty expressing their feelings because their parents never did, and thus they never learned how either. Such people might find it easier to state their feelings in a less emotional way, such as "I enjoy your company" or "I like being with you." But we can't deny that expressing what we feel is a way of feeding the relationship, so when one partner holds back in their verbal expression of love, that can leave the other feeling hungry and unsatisfied. Words of love are the expression of our most intimate feelings and desires, and using them helps us feel closer to each other.
Silvia: What are the ingredients of a healthy relationship?
Dr. Nogales:Anyone would respond that love is the most important ingredient. And it's true, because love allows us to go through the misery and torment of the roughest times, to solve conflicts and develop tolerance. But love is not the only ingredient in a happy relationship.
A study by Susan Sprecher, Ph.D. at the University of Illinois revealed that satisfaction and commitment are more important than love in couples that wish to share their lives together.
Out of a total of 101 couples that were studied prior to marriage, 59% ended their relationship because they lacked satisfaction and commitment even though they stated that love was still present. Of the remaining couples, 71% got married. Further studies revealed that love, satisfaction and commitment increased with the time.
I believe that commitment is essential in a relationship, but not only the commitment to stay together. Each partner must commit to respecting, understanding and supporting the other on their particular path through life. And, of course, love allows partners to make this journey and to travel together with passion.
Silvia: It seems that living together can be so complicated. What is your general advice for couples?
Dr. Nogales: Every relationship requires mutual and continuous work. When one or both partners cease working on the relationship, it suffers and fails. Love is built day by day and grows with the years. Though the passion of youth may diminish, the time spent together unites a couple even more, as does the recognition that nothing is more precious than enjoying the company of the one you love. My most basic advice is to never forget to dedicate yourselves to each other to appreciate, support, and enjoy each other. And to live every moment intensely, appreciating that special person that life gave you.
